“Z2144X, you spent 45 Xnilldrags on an expedition to a supposedly promising planet in the God-forsaken inner rim of the Universe -”
”Sir, my name is actually Z3-”
”Don’t you dare take that tone with me Z2144X! We could have uncovered the art of at least 25 medium-complexity civilizations with 45 Xnilldrags, but you were so insistent on this expedition to Earth. How do you expect us to keep up with the Betelgeuse Museum or other Milky Way museums if we keep wasting resources like this?”
“To be fair sir, 70% of their planet is covered in water, and much of the rest consists of livable, arable land. Moreover, the planet was in the 99th percentile in biodiversity for a Z3 planet that -”
“All I hear are excuses Z2144X.”
“Basically, the conditions for an overflowing of non-entropy related beauty were optimal.”
“Apparently not.”
“Well, ya…”
“That’s it? You’re not gonna make excuses or defend yourself or anything like that?”
“I’d rather not, given your state of hyst-”
“Don’t patronize me Z2144X! Let’s hear what it is you have to say.”
“Yes sir. As you may know, we rely heavily on a genetically modified algorithm to hunt for planets with manufactured beauty worth plundering. That algorithm did not take into account the amoeba-level awareness of the inhabitants of Earth.”
“So they’re just too dumb to make good art?”
“Dumb in some senses, but not in others. The inhabitants have shown highly destructive tendencies with their use of nuclear bombs and single-use plastics. But on the other hand, they have also learned how to use greenhouse gases to make their planet warmer.”
“Ah, so Earth’s inhabitants are a cold-blooded reptilian species that don’t generate their own warmth?”
“We suspect this, sir. Anyways, they have made reasonable technological advancements for a civilization of their size. However, they have completely divorced these technological advancements from their art.”
“Uh, why would they do that?”
“They primarily utilize their technology for the purposes of blowing things up or acquiring green pieces of paper.”
“Forget it, Z2144X. Don’t distract me from the point at hand. Why don’t the creators of art use technology to advance their craft?”
“Nothing is stopping them from doing this, sir. The issue is that these creatures generally see the concepts of art and technology as divorced from each other. On Earth, there are creatures who create art and creatures who build technology. The creatures have not yet explored the synergy between the two concepts.”
“It’s only a matter of time before this happens, Z2144X.”
“I agree, but there is one more thing..”
“Ugh, alright, spill the bzartd, Z2144X.”
“Well, the other thing is that… The art creators of Earth generally make art in isolation of one another.”
“Stop there, Z2144X. This is bullshit. Through their implementation of rapid planetary heating, this civilization was able to stave off extinction from their own deficiencies as a cold-blooded species. They don’t achieve this without some ability to collaborate.”
“Well, the inhabitants of Earth do collaborate on a number of things.”
“Let me guess, they collaborate on making green pieces of paper and blowing things up?”
“Precisely, sir.”
“So, let me get this straight. This civilization bands together and puts its entire weight behind trivial matters like making green paper. But when it comes to the creation of beauty in our universe, they just let individuals sort things out on their own?”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself. In our observation of Earth’s art creators, we noticed that there was a tremendous emphasis on what they call ‘self expression.’”
“Uh, don’t all forms of expression originate from one’s self?”
“Yes, but the idea behind ‘self expression’ on Earth is not quite literal. It means that you’re taking something inside of you and converting this abstractness into a physical form that others can experience.”
“Z2144X, you’re making no sense. Give me an example.”
“I think of it like holding in argon in your apertures. You have an impulse to release the argon once your tentacles begin to numb. And once the argon is released, that is a form of self-expression.”
“Self-expression seems smelly.”
“I’d imagine so, sir. Anyways, to these creatures, the concept of self-expression in art seems to be more important than the actual beauty of the art itse-”
“ARGON RELEASE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE CREATION OF BEAUTY!???!?”
“Yes sir, this was my reaction as well. While other civilizations place a heavy emphasis on collective efforts to create beauty, the inhabitants of Earth care more about individual self-expression. One art creator known as “Duchamp” was celebrated for placing a waste receiving facility in an Earth museum,”
“Now, now… You’re being too harsh Z2144X. As you know, our very own museum has several of these facilities in case someone needs to excrete waste.”
“Sir, the waste receiving facility was the exhibit at the museum.”
“And… there was nothing special about this waste receiving facility?
“No sir.”
”Or exceptionally beautiful?”
“None, sir. This is what Earth’s inhabitants call modern art.”
“What in the… I don’t know what to say Z2144X.”
“Essentially, art on Earth has largely divorced itself from the pursuit of beauty. Bob, our Sector’s premier Artificial Intelligence, ran an analysis on all of Earth’s art, costing us half of our budget.”
“Greg could have done it for half the price…”
“Fair enough, sir. Anyways, Bob found that beauty had very little correlation with art’s monetary value on Earth”
“So what does have the highest correlation with art’s value on Earth?”
“The unique identifier associated with the creator of the art piece.”
“The name of the art creator?”
“Yes sir.”
“So if the most beautiful piece of art is created by someone whose name isn’t very well known…”
“It will go undiscovered, sir.”
“Hah! I knew it. Z2144X, evacuate all field agents from Earth at once.”
“Ummm, yes sir… But why?”
“Long ago, one of our field agents caught a highly contagious strain of brain-eating bacteria on a backwards planet not too dissimilar from Earth. I’m certain that a similar brain-eating molecular agent is responsible for the current state of affairs on Earth. We can’t afford to have this molecular agent get a foothold in our Sector.”
“Understood, sir.”
“Hurry, before I let out some self-expression.”
“Excuse me, sir?”
“I need to release some argon, so get out.”
“Ah, good one, sir!”